Solitude
by ImmortalFlick
Summary: Harry is somewhat suicidal.
1. In my solitude

Title: Solitude  
  
Author: ImmortalFlick  
  
Disclaimer: The plot may be mine. Nothing else. The song isn't mine, neither is Harry Potter.  
  
Rating: PG13  
  
Warning: Possible slash, depression, suicidal urges.  
  
Summary: Harry is suicidal.   
  
Author Notes: Yeah, Harry is a little out of character, he's depressed, give him a little room.   
  
Author Notes 2: Dreadful sorry about the spelling mistake, feel free to point out anymore.  
  
reynolds - Thanks heaps, don't worry, normally I'm not such a horrible speller.   
  
Chapter 1  
  
"The scars! The Dursleys! The sadness! It all adds up!" Ron sounded exasperated but Hermione wasn't showing any realization.  
  
"But he never said anything..." Hermione, trailed off, confused and unsure.  
  
"He didn't have to!" He insisted.  
  
"I suppose we could ask." Hermione said quietly.  
  
"I thought you were smart, it's obvious."  
  
"Harry is Harry."  
  
"Are you trying to say that he's always happy just because he's the boy-who-lived?" Ron sounded incredulous.  
  
"No! But that's what you thought last year didn't you?"  
  
"No, well, yes, maybe. But that was just because I was jealous. He is, I'll show you."  
  
"Harry is not suicidal!" Hermione yelled.  
  
Ron shushed her. "Shhh, you don't want everyone to know, do you?" He whispered angrily.  
  
"But he's not!"  
  
"Is."  
  
"Fine, we'll ask."   
  
"Oh yeah, we're just going to go and ask him: Harry we just wanted to know if you want to kill yourself? And he's just going to answer: Oh yes, and?"  
  
Hermione just stared at him for a while. "Yes!"  
  
"You're mad!"  
  
"Come on!" She dragged him out the portrait hole.   
  
****  
  
In my solitude you haunt me   
  
With reveries of days gone by   
  
In my solitude you taunt me   
  
With memories that never die   
  
Harry was sitting, eyes on the ground, a long way away. It was a dreadful long way. It would hurt a lot should he hit it. Enough to kill him? Surely. Hopefully. He thought about jumping for a while. Would there be safety spells on the windows? Well he was standing on the sil of one now and nothing had happened as of yet. Maybe if he jumped he would just fall. And it would end. Maybe not. The problems were astronomical. Astronomical. Astronomy tower. He giggled. Yeah, it would hurt. So what? It can't hurt when you're dead. The memories, the lonliness. Everything.   
  
Sirius might be mad at him. He always was. He wanted him to be his father. James Potter. He didn't know his father, how could he be him? But he wanted to make Sirius happy and if acting like James might than he'd do it. Sirius yelled at him when he was reckless. From what he'd heard of James, he was reckless. So why did he yell at him? Why was he always mad? Why?   
  
Ron was jealous. He thought Harry didn't deserve any of the fame. What did he do to deserve it anyway? Nothing. Get people killed. Cedric. He may as well have killed the other boy himself. With his own bare hands. Hand him over to dear Voldie on a silver platter. Blood tainted hands.   
  
Hermione might miss him. Then again, she had her books. The world was her library. Shame about the tears. What would the wizarding world think? Probably mourn their boy-who-lived. He'd always hated titles. That was his title. A title to live up to. Too bad if he died living.   
  
I sit in my chair   
  
Filled with despair   
  
Nobody could be so sad   
  
With gloom ev'rywhere   
  
I sit and I stare   
  
I know that I'll soon go mad   
  
And a little bit of himself was dying everyday. Nothing seemed to be worth it anymore. No one to turn to. To talk to. Remus had been interesting and great to talk to, but he'd left. Harry reminded himself to owl the man sometime. If he had the time. He made time. He ended time. If only he could decide.  
  
In my solitude   
  
I'm praying   
  
Dear Lord above   
  
Send back my love 


	2. Nobody could be so sad

Solitude  
  
ImmortalFlick  
  
-Angelic_devil- Thanks lots and hope you enjoy this chapter, as it took ages to finally write! (even though it's so short!)  
  
-Who wants to know?- Yes, my poor, poor Harry. You'll find out about Ron in this and a little later. Here's the next chapter. Hope you like!  
  
-WallyTheWhale- Yeah, here's the second chapter, I'll have a try at writing a bit on Sirius' and Harry's relationship.   
  
-RAiNbOwGrL22- I'm glad you like it. The song I used is 'Solitude' by Billie Holiday. It's a great song, although some don't like her music.  
  
-Who wants to know?- I know, poor darling. You'll see. See ya.  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.  
  
  
  
By the way, I don't think I said it, but OoTP never happened (the denial stage is far from over).  
  
Solitude Chapter 2  
  
*  
  
What does Ron see that no one else can? And why?  
  
*  
  
"Harry!" Ron called his friend, who turned and stared at him and Hermione who was dragging Ron into the room.  
  
"What?" He asked. He was reading the well-worn 'Quidditch Throughout the Ages' on a window sill in the Astronomy Tower. Ron gave Hermione a pointed look. She glared at him.   
  
"Harry," Hermione sat down against the wall, dragging Ron down with her. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Wrong?" Harry asked, not really that curious.  
  
"You're so, well, sad lately, we're worried -"   
  
"Are you suicidal?" Ron cut her off. Hermione quickly glared at him again, this time surprised as well. A reproaching tinge entered her gaze this time.   
  
"Suicidal? Why would I be suicidal?" Harry was trying his hardest to sound surprised but he really couldn't be bothered. He was tired. Very tired.  
  
"It's just that..." Ron trailed off.  
  
Hermione butted in. "Ron thought you might be, but since you say you're not, that's okay."  
  
"Whatever." The uncharacteristic dismissal didn't go unnoticed by Ron.  
  
Hermione dragged him out once more.  
  
*  
  
"Mione!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Ron sighed, frustrated.  
  
"Don't you get it? Just asking him and accepting an answer like that! What were you thinking?"   
  
"I was thinking, that maybe Harry isn't suicidal and it's just your overactive imagination creating stupid ideas in your head that he is."  
  
Ron was beginning to feel slightly indignant. "Hermione Granger! Trust me, Harry is suicidal."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
Suddenly Ron's voice became stone cold and totally serious. "Look at him. Look at him, Hermione! He's so dead!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why are you so bloody confused!?" Now frustration was definitely mounting. "I don't understand it! Hermione, you were always the smart one, you could always see what I never could. Now you're just not getting it! Harry needs our help. That's final."  
  
"Ron." Her reproaching glare made his anger bubble over.  
  
"Why are you still caring about language!? Harry needs our help!." Ron repeated, trying to get the message through. "He needs our help. He needs it, Hermione."  
  
Hermione sighed. "Fine. We'd better talk to Remus or Sirius."  
  
"Both."  
  
*  
  
"Harry is suicidal." Ron said.  
  
"What?" Sirius' confused one-word question was loud and stunned.  
  
"Harry is suicidal."  
  
"I heard you. How do you know?"  
  
Once again Ron felt the frustration bubbling over.  
  
"I just do. Why do none of you just look at him?"  
  
"We look at him everyday, Ron. He looks fine!"  
  
"He looks tired! He looks dead! You just don't care!"  
  
"We care! I care!"  
  
He was tired of this. "Look, it doesn't matter to me whether you believe me or not, but for Harry's sake I'm trying. I need to help him, and I will do it whether you'll help me or not." His calm voice just made matters worse. They looked at him as if he were slightly crazy. Ron looked at Hermione questioningly. She shook her head sadly.   
  
"Sorry Ron." She whispered. "I just don't see it."  
  
Ron looked once more at all of them before sighing in disgust. He turned and ran.   
  
*  
  
End chapter 2  
  
Argh. No matter what I write, it just seems to sound strange, but I hope you enjoy this and I'm still trying desperately trying to move forward on my other fics. Please review, I could use the feedback. 


	3. I know that I'll soon go mad

Solitude  
  
ImmortalFlick  
  
A/N: No, there will be no Harry/Ron slash, don't get yourselves in a twist. There isn't a slash pairing at all. It's unrequited. There are only 2 chapters after this one.   
  
(/)  
  
Solitude - Chapter 3  
  
(/)  
  
Ron knew Hermione was smart. She always had been. Everyone knew it. But she wasn't smart right now. She couldn't see it and Ron hated her for it.   
  
He knew why the teachers didn't know. Because they were just as sucked into that 'Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived' image as those stupid fan-girls of his. Hermione couldn't see the complete deadness in Harry's eyes and as his best-friend, he had to do something about it. There was nothing more terrifying than seeing thoughtfulness in Harry's expression when he saw a knife or a long fall.   
  
Ron could pinpoint the exact moment when he'd known Harry wasn't 'right'. It was very simple. Very normal.   
  
One morning, two weeks ago, Ron had woken Harry up during a nightmare. Harry looked at Ron and said in a tired voice: "I don't want to wake up." It could've been taken as fatigue or still part of the nightmare. But it was scary. And Harry's eyes...  
  
(/)  
  
Ron sat next to Hermione in silence. She looked uncomfortable.  
  
"Snuffles promised to look into it. Harry will be fine."  
  
"Herm, I have to ask you something." Ron was cautious.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Are you and Harry..."  
  
Hermione continued when Ron trailed off. "Am I and Harry what?"  
  
"Together?" He finished with a sigh.  
  
Again there was a long silence. Ron waited, holding his breath.  
  
"Yes." He barely heard it through the rush of blood to his head.  
  
"What?" He asked, his voice trembled.  
  
"Yes, Harry and I are together." Hermione smiled at him, waiting for something.  
  
Ron gathered himself together.  
  
"Oh."   
  
Hermione's smile faded, she looked concerned. "Are you okay with that, Ron?"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Ron felt himself get angry. His friends had been sneaking around shagging.  
  
"Harry and I thought you would be upset, we were going to tell you."  
  
"And when I told you he was suicidal?" His voice cracked.  
  
"I asked him about it, he said you were overreacting. I'm his girlfriend, Ron, I ought to know."  
  
"Why would I be upset? You two are my best friends!" The common room was catching onto the conversation now, eyes turned to them.  
  
"Ron, you obviously have a crush on me! We thought we would wait until you were over it!"  
  
"Merlin, Hermione, a crush on you? You're not my type!"  
  
Hermione looked hurt and confused. "Not your type?"  
  
(/)  
  
Ron slammed the portrait closed.  
  
"Young man, mind your manners," The Fat Lady scowled at him.  
  
Ron ignored her.   
  
_Fucking hell._

This was messed up. Hermione and Harry? Why didn't they tell him?  
  
What was with Harry then? He had Hermione. He had Ron, who would do anything for him. He had Black.   
  
Why the hell was Harry so lost?  
  
(/)  
  
Harry stared down at the trees in the Forbidden Forest. Hermione had laughed at Ron's actions for the past few days. Said this was typical Ron, seeing things that just weren't there.   
  
Harry wondered how Ron knew. He wondered how much longer he had to live in this damn world. He wondered if Hermione would miss him. He wondered how far it was to the ground.  
  
(/)


	4. Filled with despair

Harry loved Hermione. He did. He thought she was caring, cute and intelligent. She was a little blind though. Harry wondered whether it was because she didn't want to see.  
  
Ron seemed to know something. His stares, his innuendos, his new campaign, telling everybody Harry was suicidal.  
  
Harry didn't know whether to agree or laugh his head off.  
  
There were times like now when the ground seemed so much closer.  
  
There were times like now when it didn't seem so hard.  
  
At the same time, they were the hardest times in his life.  
  
Harry's mind was only on one thing. Guilt. The terrible overwhelming feeling which never lost it's grip entirely. And the ground wasn't so far, especially not from where he was standing.  
  
For the first time in his life, he really flew free.  
  
---  
  
A savior with tainted hands,  
flies above us all,  
he lost his way,  
no one dragged him from his grave.  
All his life,  
he traveled alone,  
a crying shame,  
he fought on his own.  
Everyday was another battle,  
he stood tall,  
now his armor is broken,  
don't forget to kill this man now.  
Magic can't save his soul,  
if only they knew of his pain,  
but all they knew was his name,  
see how blind they are.  
He is a savior painted white,  
in a war as black as night,  
he doesn't belong here,  
he deserves a life away from death.  
  
---  
  
End Chapter 4  
  
One chapter to go. It's written, the update date depends on the reviews... Don't worry about Ron, there is no actual slash. Sorry about the crappy poem. 


	5. With memories that never die

Disclaimer: Lyrics at beginning are 'Miss you when you're dead' by Krispies.  
  
---  
  
Everything turns red  
You've never heard them say  
I miss you when you're dead  
  
---  
  
"It is with great regret that I inform you young Mr. Potter..."  
  
Ron had tuned out as soon as McGonagall had led him to the Headmaster's office. He took note with a dazed alertness of Snape lurking in the corner, a strange expression on his face, and Dumbledore's sad, old eyes. Ron felt his heart slow down. His mind fogged in a thick cloud, like he was moving through mud, though he was not actually moving at all.  
  
"I am sorry for your loss." Ron nodded. It was his fault. Why hadn't he stopped Harry?  
  
He didn't see Dumbledore gesture to both McGonagall and Snape. He was caught in a hug by his head of house outside of the office. It was unlike the old woman. He just stood as she whispered something into his ear.  
  
He nodded, still in the daze that had overtook him when he'd been removed from class.  
  
Harry was gone. Forever. Never coming back. It was his fault. He could see Harry's face through the fog. Glaring at him.  
  
Your fault, he hissed, you killed me.  
  
Ron shook his head. The fog didn't clear and Harry was still there, just out of his reach. He tried to call out to Harry.  
  
I'm sorry, Harry, I didn't mean to!  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
McGonagall glanced at her student in surprise, Ron was too gone to notice.  
  
"Mr. Weasley, it wasn't your fault-"  
  
"You don't know!" He snapped to attention. She didn't know! It was his fault, his fault Harry was dead.  
  
"It wasn't y-"  
  
Ron suddenly had to fight the urge to put his hands over his ears. "I'm not listening!" He backed away from his professor. "Leave me alone!" He shouted at her.  
  
McGonagall's sad face followed him all the way to the Common Room. She didn't know.  
  
---  
  
The Fat Lady gasped in outrage as came sprinting into the hallway and growled out the password.  
  
He ignored her and was met with the bright faces of two first years coming the other way.  
  
Harry was dead. Gone.  
  
"Ron, what's wrong?" Ginny's concerned gaze was set on him. "Ron?"  
  
"He's gone." Ron gasped out.  
  
"Who's gone?" She asked, confused.  
  
"He's gone!" Everyone turned to look at the Weasleys. Ginny's hand was on his arm, trying to calm him down.  
  
"Ron, tell me what's wrong." She said, her voice trembling.  
  
"He's fucking gone!" Ron's anger fled.  
  
It was the first time anyone had seen him cry.  
  
THE END 


End file.
